This is the letter I sent to my former pastor before leaving for the Orthodox Church. I post it here in explanation, even if in hindsight I find it woefully lacking.
Pastor,
My wife said that today she told you we were moving to the Orthodox church. She then told me I had to write to you and explain why. Since you preached on mutual submission between husband and wife today, I am doing so, though I usually keep my thoughts to myself.
For a long time, much longer than we have been in this town and attending your church, I have had a feeling that something was missing in every church I attended. I came to realize after moving to this town that my misgivings weren't really with the particular churches I had attended--most of them were really good churches that I got a lot out of--but rather with evangelical Christianity in general. Something was missing, things just weren't fitting together for me theologically any more.
In college I had learned about Orthodoxy and the teachings I had picked up there have influenced me ever since. It is only recently I have realized that I was never going to find the kind of teaching I desperately wanted to receive from the churches I was attending. If I was going to bring Orthodox ideas into every discussion I had, maybe I should just be Orthodox? And so with that door passed through, I began the process of learning what I could before going farther and waiting for my wife to catch up to what I was seeing.
I do not know what you know of Orthodoxy, most Christians seem pretty ignorant of them or think they are just weird Catholics. That is not the case. I probably feel the same way about Catholicism that you do! Orthodoxy is a branch (they would say the main trunk) that extends all the way back to Jesus through the laying on of hands and a consistent theology. That cannot be said of any other church in history, even the Catholics. They adamantly proclaim that God is Love and their theology jives with that (I have trouble saying that about most protestant theologies). Their view of salvation and sin differs in significant ways from protestant theologies, but in my opinion is deeper, fuller, and more applicable to real life. They desperately want to know God and and the depths of His love. And they have 2000 years of experience training people to do so. Everything in Orthodoxy revolves around Love.
For example. In your sermon today, which for the most part was good, you said that in the event of a standstill between husband and wife, the husband has the final say. Let's ignore the simple logisitical problem that this gives the husband total domination over his wife--which I don't think you really believe, but there are those that do and practically speaking, you can't use this rule and mean otherwise. The real problem is that there is no Love in it. There is no love in authoritarianism and the use of force or rank is equally unloving. And I would bet that you have never actually played that card in your own marriage without some pretty negative results. Because it is not loving. Love never plays the power card. We can see this demonstrated by God himself. He loves us and wants to save us, but he never forces us. I often wondered why God wasn't more forceful in doing what is best for us. But he wants us to love him in return and you cannot force that kind of response truthfully. He must woo us subtly. He must play the part of the father waiting patiently for his son to return because if he does not, the son will never come back. He must play the part of the husband waiting for his cheating wife to return because if he does not she will never see him as someone she has harmed by her cheating--she will always be able to say, "See how controlling and manipulative he is? See how he throws his weight around?" This is the kind of love God and Jesus demonstrate for us. Completely self-sacrificing shame-bearing Love.
When God tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church, he is asking them to take up their crosses and follow him in that kind of Love. Which means when you and your wife are at a standstill, it is the God-given responsibility of the husband to lay his own life down first. He must put his own opinions to death. He must put his own pride to death. He must submit himself to his wife willingly for her own sake the way that Jesus submitted himself to our will for our sake. That is love. Husbands do have something to answer for as the head of the household. But we will not be asked "why did you not control your woman?" We will be asked "Why did you not show your wife how to submit by submitting yourself? Why did you not show your wife how to apologize by apologizing first? Why were you not the first to be patient, kind, the first to change diapers and vacuum, why did you lord it over her?"
From a practical standpoint, this is way more strategic anyway. If you submit and she's right, then you saved yourself the embarrassment of messing things up. If she is wrong, then she will learn to trust your judgment the next time. By playing the Man Card, you only cause her to be resentful of you because you are always right or because you are too stupid to listen to reason and too prideful to give in.
You aren't the only pastor preaching this. I've never heard it preached another way, at least not in evangelical churches. So my complaint isn't against you specifically, but against all of evangelicalism and probably all of protestantism. And this specific example doesn't even touch the issues I have with solo-scriptura, the invisible church, the Forensic Model of Atonement, WWJD and more. I just am not an evangelical Christian anymore and its hard for me to worship in that environment knowing I am so different than everyone around me. Even my ideas of what worship really is have changed.
And so I am leaving for the Orthodox church. In them I have found friends and fellow believers. It is not an easy move, as they take their Christianity way more seriously than I've ever known possible. They seem to have such a fuller and deeper understanding of God and Man though, so I am willing to learn from them on other issues that are more foreign to me, like icons and Mary.
I hope I haven't offended you in this email. If so, forgive me. I am head-strong and prideful and have found it is safer for me to just not open my mouth than reveal myself to be so. Again, let's blame this on my wife, to whom I am submitting. There is so much more to my conversion than I can possibly relate in one (really loooonnnggg) email, so if you are interested in learning more I would love to talk more over beers or Cokes, whichever you prefer. You are welcome to try to convince me to stay Evangelical, I welcome the critique of my thoughts.
More than anything I just want to know God. I think you would say the same. If nothing else, please allow us to go with grace and love. We have heard some scary conversion stories and I would really like to look back on my time at your church with fond memories of understanding. I don't actually expect anything less from you, to be honest.
Thank you for the time we spent at your church. I will miss seeing friends there on Sunday and the love you have given our children. We may still be in and out for a while though. As I said, my wife is still a few steps behind me and I will not force her to follow. She would still like to attend your church from time to time.
With what I hope is Love,
ThatGuyFrodo
The pastor did try once to meet with me, but schedules did not work out. We heard it from a friend that he explained why we left because I "wanted something more liturgical".
Sigh.
Pastor,
My wife said that today she told you we were moving to the Orthodox church. She then told me I had to write to you and explain why. Since you preached on mutual submission between husband and wife today, I am doing so, though I usually keep my thoughts to myself.
For a long time, much longer than we have been in this town and attending your church, I have had a feeling that something was missing in every church I attended. I came to realize after moving to this town that my misgivings weren't really with the particular churches I had attended--most of them were really good churches that I got a lot out of--but rather with evangelical Christianity in general. Something was missing, things just weren't fitting together for me theologically any more.
In college I had learned about Orthodoxy and the teachings I had picked up there have influenced me ever since. It is only recently I have realized that I was never going to find the kind of teaching I desperately wanted to receive from the churches I was attending. If I was going to bring Orthodox ideas into every discussion I had, maybe I should just be Orthodox? And so with that door passed through, I began the process of learning what I could before going farther and waiting for my wife to catch up to what I was seeing.
I do not know what you know of Orthodoxy, most Christians seem pretty ignorant of them or think they are just weird Catholics. That is not the case. I probably feel the same way about Catholicism that you do! Orthodoxy is a branch (they would say the main trunk) that extends all the way back to Jesus through the laying on of hands and a consistent theology. That cannot be said of any other church in history, even the Catholics. They adamantly proclaim that God is Love and their theology jives with that (I have trouble saying that about most protestant theologies). Their view of salvation and sin differs in significant ways from protestant theologies, but in my opinion is deeper, fuller, and more applicable to real life. They desperately want to know God and and the depths of His love. And they have 2000 years of experience training people to do so. Everything in Orthodoxy revolves around Love.
For example. In your sermon today, which for the most part was good, you said that in the event of a standstill between husband and wife, the husband has the final say. Let's ignore the simple logisitical problem that this gives the husband total domination over his wife--which I don't think you really believe, but there are those that do and practically speaking, you can't use this rule and mean otherwise. The real problem is that there is no Love in it. There is no love in authoritarianism and the use of force or rank is equally unloving. And I would bet that you have never actually played that card in your own marriage without some pretty negative results. Because it is not loving. Love never plays the power card. We can see this demonstrated by God himself. He loves us and wants to save us, but he never forces us. I often wondered why God wasn't more forceful in doing what is best for us. But he wants us to love him in return and you cannot force that kind of response truthfully. He must woo us subtly. He must play the part of the father waiting patiently for his son to return because if he does not, the son will never come back. He must play the part of the husband waiting for his cheating wife to return because if he does not she will never see him as someone she has harmed by her cheating--she will always be able to say, "See how controlling and manipulative he is? See how he throws his weight around?" This is the kind of love God and Jesus demonstrate for us. Completely self-sacrificing shame-bearing Love.
When God tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church, he is asking them to take up their crosses and follow him in that kind of Love. Which means when you and your wife are at a standstill, it is the God-given responsibility of the husband to lay his own life down first. He must put his own opinions to death. He must put his own pride to death. He must submit himself to his wife willingly for her own sake the way that Jesus submitted himself to our will for our sake. That is love. Husbands do have something to answer for as the head of the household. But we will not be asked "why did you not control your woman?" We will be asked "Why did you not show your wife how to submit by submitting yourself? Why did you not show your wife how to apologize by apologizing first? Why were you not the first to be patient, kind, the first to change diapers and vacuum, why did you lord it over her?"
From a practical standpoint, this is way more strategic anyway. If you submit and she's right, then you saved yourself the embarrassment of messing things up. If she is wrong, then she will learn to trust your judgment the next time. By playing the Man Card, you only cause her to be resentful of you because you are always right or because you are too stupid to listen to reason and too prideful to give in.
You aren't the only pastor preaching this. I've never heard it preached another way, at least not in evangelical churches. So my complaint isn't against you specifically, but against all of evangelicalism and probably all of protestantism. And this specific example doesn't even touch the issues I have with solo-scriptura, the invisible church, the Forensic Model of Atonement, WWJD and more. I just am not an evangelical Christian anymore and its hard for me to worship in that environment knowing I am so different than everyone around me. Even my ideas of what worship really is have changed.
And so I am leaving for the Orthodox church. In them I have found friends and fellow believers. It is not an easy move, as they take their Christianity way more seriously than I've ever known possible. They seem to have such a fuller and deeper understanding of God and Man though, so I am willing to learn from them on other issues that are more foreign to me, like icons and Mary.
I hope I haven't offended you in this email. If so, forgive me. I am head-strong and prideful and have found it is safer for me to just not open my mouth than reveal myself to be so. Again, let's blame this on my wife, to whom I am submitting. There is so much more to my conversion than I can possibly relate in one (really loooonnnggg) email, so if you are interested in learning more I would love to talk more over beers or Cokes, whichever you prefer. You are welcome to try to convince me to stay Evangelical, I welcome the critique of my thoughts.
More than anything I just want to know God. I think you would say the same. If nothing else, please allow us to go with grace and love. We have heard some scary conversion stories and I would really like to look back on my time at your church with fond memories of understanding. I don't actually expect anything less from you, to be honest.
Thank you for the time we spent at your church. I will miss seeing friends there on Sunday and the love you have given our children. We may still be in and out for a while though. As I said, my wife is still a few steps behind me and I will not force her to follow. She would still like to attend your church from time to time.
With what I hope is Love,
ThatGuyFrodo
The pastor did try once to meet with me, but schedules did not work out. We heard it from a friend that he explained why we left because I "wanted something more liturgical".
Sigh.
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