I was asked to conduct a wedding of two good friends. This is what I said to them.
There are many reasons to get married. Taxes, convenience, companionship, help with the chores, a warmer bed. But there is an even better reason that all of those. God made man in the garden and called him good. But then he said it was not good for him to be alone. And so he created Eve. God created us to be in relationships, both with each other and with him. Marriage is the finest relationship we can have on earth. No other relationship costs us so much, puts us at so much risk of hurt and failure, and no other relationship holds such reward. I want to share with you the secret to marriage.
I guess the secret really isn't that secret because its pretty much the central story of christianity: That christ died for us, gave up his life for us. We are told in the scriptures that we are Christ's bride, that he looks forward to the day that this day represents: the day we are joined to him eternally and forever more despite all we have intentionally and unintentionally done to drive him away.
And that is the secret. Its dying to yourself. In marriage you devote yourself to the other--and the more fully you devote your self, the more you will find yourself in the other. In some ways marriage is very unamerican. It is very anti-individual. I don't have choices so much as we have choices. I don't have a future, we have a future. There are two ways you can handle that. The first is to imagine some puritanical ideal of what a husband or wife should look like and try your best to ignore yourself and fit into the mold that you've seen or heard or been taught. That way will only lead to depression and distance because you are not marrying the ideal the other is striving to be. You are marrying Sam and Katie. The other is to live completely as Sam and Katie, as two people who are sharing a house and a bank account and who like to hang out a lot. This too will lead no where, because it is not marriage. Marriage is the giving of your Self to each other. And that means honesty and generosity and forgiveness and always assuming the best of each other. When you give your selves to each other, you will find yourselves reflected back. Your true self. Because man and woman were not meant to be alone.
But it gets better. Not only do you find yourselves in marriage when you give your selves to each other, but you also find God himself there. Because marriage follows the pattern that Jesus laid out for us on the cross, it is the best way for two people to experience the love of God on this earth. There is no better picture of God's love for us--his unearned, unending, committed, self-sacrificing, self-giving love--than the relationship between a husband and wife. If you both truly want to see God on this earth, love each other as God has loved you and you will see his true reflection beaming out of your partner so much it will hurt.