I never set out to be a professional ropes course guy. It just kind of happened as a side-effect of my other jobs at camp. I was (and like to think I still am) pretty responsible with an engineering brain and a perhaps too cautious nature and these traits make for a good ropes course manager. When running ropes courses, one of the main topics to come up is fear. Fear of heights, fear of putting on a harness that reveals parts of our waistlines we'd rather ignore, fear of looking silly or not even knowing why--just being afraid. As a facilitator who has had to spend a lot of time up in the trees working with people, dealing with my own fear has been a large part of the job. And I'm proud to say that 10 or so years into the game, I'm still afraid of ropes courses.
I've had two kinds of people work for me as facilitators: good ones and bad ones. Richie was a bad one. He had no fear at all. It was impressive watching him work his way through the trees, never hesitating, never acting like he was on a thin log 40 feet in the air. Casual and cool. But as a fellow facilitator, it was scary to watch. He would frequently release his safety line if it got tangled, exposing himself to gravity should his grip suddenly fail. He would allow his participants to launch themselves off the platforms in ways not approved by his training, exposing them to danger he had not anticipated. He showed no respect for his training or the policies put into place and was a hazard to himself and everyone around him. He should not have worked for me as long as he did.
On the other hand, Angela was quite the opposite. She could not stop thinking about the terrible things that could go wrong up there. She worked hard to make the course as idiot-proof as possible, so there was no way a simple uneducated mistake would result in a participant injury. She stuck to the procedures and held others to that standard. She never lost that fear of what could go wrong. But she never let it stop her either. She was afraid, but that fear guided her, protected her and made her one of my best facilitators.
The scriptures tell us that Fear is the beginning of Wisdom. I think all too often in evangelical circles we make God out to be someone who should not be feared at all. He is loving and kind and gracious, you don't need to tremble before him (thanks to Jesus). But the scriptures don't talk about God that way. Everyone who meets God face to face is very very afraid. They drop to their knees, begging for mercy as they suddenly realize that not only could God wipe them out with a word, but probably should. The scriptures also describe the God that we want to have: a good, kind god who has gone out of his way to reunite us with himself. But how do we reconcile a god who should be feared with a god who should not be feared?
Perhaps fear itself isn't the whole issue. Perhaps it is also our approach to it. One should have a fear of God, for sure. To have no fear is to be like a toddler who has never been allowed to climb. No climbing means no falling. No falling means you don't even realize why you should be afraid. Ignorance does not make you safe. On the other hand, fear can be paralyzing if left unchecked. So many people are afraid to climb up into the ropes course because they are afraid they are going to fall. But it is only because they do not know the equipment, they do not understand that it is nearly impossible to be injured falling from the course because of the systems put into place. Fear of God is the same way. It is a fool that does not fear God. Even if one does not believe in god, they must admit that should god actually exist they should fear him. But fear is the beginning of Wisdom. And wisdom is the equipment that keeps you safe while falling. Knowledge of him, his motivations, his characteristics, his story tempers the fear. The fear still exists, but it does not control. It keeps us from losing what he has given us while the wisdom draws us closer to him. We tremble as we approach the throne, but we still approach it.
I love my God. I am enamored by him. But I also fear him in the same way I fear falling from the trees. It does not keep me from climbing ever closer to my goal, but it keeps me safe along the way.
9/10/15
8/31/15
Mind the Gap
Recently I went bike riding with a seven year old. The nice thing about riding with a seven year old is that you might not be that good, but your bike is probably better than his and you probably have a bit more experience, so you come out feeling pretty good about yourself. Pretty soon he'll be eight and I'll feel old, but for now I feel pretty awesome.
At one point in the ride I found myself on a trail strewn with fairly large rocks. I know from when I was seven myself that if my tire were to even brush up against one of those rocks the wrong way, it would take my tire one direction while I went the other. But I also remember what a friend who rode dirt bikes told me. He said the secret was to never take your eyes off the path you want to your tires to take. And so I did. I focused on the gaps, moving my eyes quickly from one safe passage to another. I could feel the rocks pulling at my attention. I wanted to see the thing I wanted to avoid. I could also feel myself wanting to forget about the rocks entirely. This section of trail was beautiful and I was missing the scenery. But I looked steadfastly at the gaps and felt my muscles fight me. It seemed as if I could not make such sharp turns, that my tires would slip out from under me. I could not seem to make my arms turn the handle bars. But even as I watched the gap, I watched my wheel go through it. Without understanding how it had happened, I had passed through unscathed.
I was raised to be a good evangelical Christian. Evangelical Christians are taught that they are terrible sinners, completely unworthy of God's love. And yet, we have God's love. We have been saved from our own sinfulness and do not live in a state of hell. Life is full of promises made to us by God. Promises that we will be free of sin, saved from hell, able to live a life worthy of the divine princes and princesses that we are. I was taught that the best way to escape the bondages of sin was to learn to see myself for the new creation that I am through Christ. Since there is no condemnation for us, according to Paul, then we should not condemn ourselves. Since God has removed us from our sins, as far as the east from the west, then we should not dwell on them. Confess them, surely. But move on. Heaven awaits!
Ever since college though, I have always been interested in the orthodox church. They had answers to so many questions I had, inconsistencies I saw in my own tradition. Of course there were many things I couldn't agree with. But on the whole I felt they seemed to understand things in a way I did not and I wanted to know more.
One of the things my orthodox friends are proud of (if I can say that) are their saints. The orthodox place as much emphasis on repentance as evangelicals place on grace. They would tell me with glee in their voices how some of their saints would live what we would consider nearly perfect lives but cry out on their deathbeds that they had not even begun to repent. Since as an evangelical repentance was an experience I had done once but never dwelled on my curiosity was peaked.
But at the same time a life of constant repentance has very little appeal to it. Is that the life we were meant to live by our heavenly Father? At the same time how can I ever truly stop repenting? I was tired of the whitewashed life of the evangelical, pretending as if everything was all right.
I've decided that, as many other aspects of Christianity, this is a matter of balance between two extremes, either of which is a rock or a hard place (if you will). I think a life lived only with promises accepted is the life of a spoiled child. How can the prodigal son ever forget that he was the prodigal son? And yet, it was surely not the wish of the father that he remain in the pig sty. He welcomed him back as a son, not as a charity case.
And so now I find myself on a path towards a life of either unceasing repentance, groveling for the forgiveness I know I do not deserve, and hopeful carefree acceptance of my salvation, so comfortably happy in my father's house I forget where I was just yesterday. On the one hand I find myself trying to earn favor with God through my pleas for forgiveness and never fully accepting it. On the other I trample the price my god paid for my salvation under my comfy slippers as I flaunt my freedom before him and the world.
The goal of course is neither a comfortable life nor even an honest one. The goal is God. And God is in the gap. If I can just keep my eyes on him I will pass through. Do not be tempted to look at the stone which will take me down. Do not be tempted to gaze upon the lovely scenery I am surely missing as I barrel down this trail. Focus on the gap because that is where salvation lies. And somehow, though my arms will resist, I know that somehow my wheel will turn and find its way there.
At one point in the ride I found myself on a trail strewn with fairly large rocks. I know from when I was seven myself that if my tire were to even brush up against one of those rocks the wrong way, it would take my tire one direction while I went the other. But I also remember what a friend who rode dirt bikes told me. He said the secret was to never take your eyes off the path you want to your tires to take. And so I did. I focused on the gaps, moving my eyes quickly from one safe passage to another. I could feel the rocks pulling at my attention. I wanted to see the thing I wanted to avoid. I could also feel myself wanting to forget about the rocks entirely. This section of trail was beautiful and I was missing the scenery. But I looked steadfastly at the gaps and felt my muscles fight me. It seemed as if I could not make such sharp turns, that my tires would slip out from under me. I could not seem to make my arms turn the handle bars. But even as I watched the gap, I watched my wheel go through it. Without understanding how it had happened, I had passed through unscathed.
I was raised to be a good evangelical Christian. Evangelical Christians are taught that they are terrible sinners, completely unworthy of God's love. And yet, we have God's love. We have been saved from our own sinfulness and do not live in a state of hell. Life is full of promises made to us by God. Promises that we will be free of sin, saved from hell, able to live a life worthy of the divine princes and princesses that we are. I was taught that the best way to escape the bondages of sin was to learn to see myself for the new creation that I am through Christ. Since there is no condemnation for us, according to Paul, then we should not condemn ourselves. Since God has removed us from our sins, as far as the east from the west, then we should not dwell on them. Confess them, surely. But move on. Heaven awaits!
Ever since college though, I have always been interested in the orthodox church. They had answers to so many questions I had, inconsistencies I saw in my own tradition. Of course there were many things I couldn't agree with. But on the whole I felt they seemed to understand things in a way I did not and I wanted to know more.
One of the things my orthodox friends are proud of (if I can say that) are their saints. The orthodox place as much emphasis on repentance as evangelicals place on grace. They would tell me with glee in their voices how some of their saints would live what we would consider nearly perfect lives but cry out on their deathbeds that they had not even begun to repent. Since as an evangelical repentance was an experience I had done once but never dwelled on my curiosity was peaked.
But at the same time a life of constant repentance has very little appeal to it. Is that the life we were meant to live by our heavenly Father? At the same time how can I ever truly stop repenting? I was tired of the whitewashed life of the evangelical, pretending as if everything was all right.
I've decided that, as many other aspects of Christianity, this is a matter of balance between two extremes, either of which is a rock or a hard place (if you will). I think a life lived only with promises accepted is the life of a spoiled child. How can the prodigal son ever forget that he was the prodigal son? And yet, it was surely not the wish of the father that he remain in the pig sty. He welcomed him back as a son, not as a charity case.
And so now I find myself on a path towards a life of either unceasing repentance, groveling for the forgiveness I know I do not deserve, and hopeful carefree acceptance of my salvation, so comfortably happy in my father's house I forget where I was just yesterday. On the one hand I find myself trying to earn favor with God through my pleas for forgiveness and never fully accepting it. On the other I trample the price my god paid for my salvation under my comfy slippers as I flaunt my freedom before him and the world.
The goal of course is neither a comfortable life nor even an honest one. The goal is God. And God is in the gap. If I can just keep my eyes on him I will pass through. Do not be tempted to look at the stone which will take me down. Do not be tempted to gaze upon the lovely scenery I am surely missing as I barrel down this trail. Focus on the gap because that is where salvation lies. And somehow, though my arms will resist, I know that somehow my wheel will turn and find its way there.
7/15/15
I Do
I was asked to conduct a wedding of two good friends. This is what I said to them.
There are many reasons to get married. Taxes, convenience, companionship, help with the chores, a warmer bed. But there is an even better reason that all of those. God made man in the garden and called him good. But then he said it was not good for him to be alone. And so he created Eve. God created us to be in relationships, both with each other and with him. Marriage is the finest relationship we can have on earth. No other relationship costs us so much, puts us at so much risk of hurt and failure, and no other relationship holds such reward. I want to share with you the secret to marriage.
I guess the secret really isn't that secret because its pretty much the central story of christianity: That christ died for us, gave up his life for us. We are told in the scriptures that we are Christ's bride, that he looks forward to the day that this day represents: the day we are joined to him eternally and forever more despite all we have intentionally and unintentionally done to drive him away.
And that is the secret. Its dying to yourself. In marriage you devote yourself to the other--and the more fully you devote your self, the more you will find yourself in the other. In some ways marriage is very unamerican. It is very anti-individual. I don't have choices so much as we have choices. I don't have a future, we have a future. There are two ways you can handle that. The first is to imagine some puritanical ideal of what a husband or wife should look like and try your best to ignore yourself and fit into the mold that you've seen or heard or been taught. That way will only lead to depression and distance because you are not marrying the ideal the other is striving to be. You are marrying Sam and Katie. The other is to live completely as Sam and Katie, as two people who are sharing a house and a bank account and who like to hang out a lot. This too will lead no where, because it is not marriage. Marriage is the giving of your Self to each other. And that means honesty and generosity and forgiveness and always assuming the best of each other. When you give your selves to each other, you will find yourselves reflected back. Your true self. Because man and woman were not meant to be alone.
But it gets better. Not only do you find yourselves in marriage when you give your selves to each other, but you also find God himself there. Because marriage follows the pattern that Jesus laid out for us on the cross, it is the best way for two people to experience the love of God on this earth. There is no better picture of God's love for us--his unearned, unending, committed, self-sacrificing, self-giving love--than the relationship between a husband and wife. If you both truly want to see God on this earth, love each other as God has loved you and you will see his true reflection beaming out of your partner so much it will hurt.
There are many reasons to get married. Taxes, convenience, companionship, help with the chores, a warmer bed. But there is an even better reason that all of those. God made man in the garden and called him good. But then he said it was not good for him to be alone. And so he created Eve. God created us to be in relationships, both with each other and with him. Marriage is the finest relationship we can have on earth. No other relationship costs us so much, puts us at so much risk of hurt and failure, and no other relationship holds such reward. I want to share with you the secret to marriage.
I guess the secret really isn't that secret because its pretty much the central story of christianity: That christ died for us, gave up his life for us. We are told in the scriptures that we are Christ's bride, that he looks forward to the day that this day represents: the day we are joined to him eternally and forever more despite all we have intentionally and unintentionally done to drive him away.
And that is the secret. Its dying to yourself. In marriage you devote yourself to the other--and the more fully you devote your self, the more you will find yourself in the other. In some ways marriage is very unamerican. It is very anti-individual. I don't have choices so much as we have choices. I don't have a future, we have a future. There are two ways you can handle that. The first is to imagine some puritanical ideal of what a husband or wife should look like and try your best to ignore yourself and fit into the mold that you've seen or heard or been taught. That way will only lead to depression and distance because you are not marrying the ideal the other is striving to be. You are marrying Sam and Katie. The other is to live completely as Sam and Katie, as two people who are sharing a house and a bank account and who like to hang out a lot. This too will lead no where, because it is not marriage. Marriage is the giving of your Self to each other. And that means honesty and generosity and forgiveness and always assuming the best of each other. When you give your selves to each other, you will find yourselves reflected back. Your true self. Because man and woman were not meant to be alone.
But it gets better. Not only do you find yourselves in marriage when you give your selves to each other, but you also find God himself there. Because marriage follows the pattern that Jesus laid out for us on the cross, it is the best way for two people to experience the love of God on this earth. There is no better picture of God's love for us--his unearned, unending, committed, self-sacrificing, self-giving love--than the relationship between a husband and wife. If you both truly want to see God on this earth, love each other as God has loved you and you will see his true reflection beaming out of your partner so much it will hurt.
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